The Screwed up Fairytale
by R-Chan Aka Rwar-Chan XD
Summary: A random parody of many different fairytales. Very surreal happenings when the GD characters are thrown into 'Once upon a time' land...


Okay, I'm not sure why, but this is one of my favourite fics simply because I really enjoyed writing it XD Much parodying of popular fairytales and -shock- shonen-ai. It is also very, VERY silly XDDD

* * *

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom not so far away, there lived a pretty little bishonen named Kudou Kazahaya. Like most fairytale protagonists, he was raised in poverty, forced to do odd jobs in order to make a living by hisEvil... that is, slightly sadist step father, Kakei.

He wasn't a happy boy.

"Kudou-kun, I have another job for you to do if you would like some extra pay"

Kazahaya looked up from his sweeping. "Ah?"

"Here", Kakei handed him a basket, "I need you to take this to your grandmother. She's feeling a little ill."

"Hai…"

So Kazahaya donned his red riding hood, and went forth to deliver the basket of goods.

It sounded simpler than usual.

Except that he'd realised (and this was only after he left) that he had no idea where his grandmother lived.

"Dammit…"

…And he'd gone so far into the enchanted woods that he'd forgotten the way he'd came.

"DAMMIT."

He sighed. She had to live around here somewhere. He was certain. There was no way he could fail this (just thinking of what Kakei would do to him if he failed was motivation enough).

Then he came to a cottage.

"Heh? Is this where she lives?"

It did look very familiar.

Timidly, he pushed the door open. "Grandmother? Ne, grandmother…?"

It was empty.

"?"

"What the hell are you doing in my house?"

"WAA!" Kazahaya jumped, turning to find… Big bad Rikuou right behind him (complete with wolf ears and tail.)

"You do know you're trespassing."

"Nee…" The lighter haired boy blinked, relaxing. "Grandmother, what big feet you have…"

Rikuou looked bemused "All the better to stand on you with"

"And Grandmother… what a big… body you have…"

"Look, I'm NOT your Grandmother you idiot."

"I...IDIOT? WHO'RE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT?"

"YOU."

"TEME!" Kazahaya growled clenching his fist, "What're you doing in my Grandmother's house you jerk?"

"I live here. It's my house. Now get out."

"O...OI! CHOTTO!" the lighter haired boy cried as he was pushed towards the door. "I NEED TO FIND MY GRANDMOTHER! DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?"

"No. And stop screeching like that. (You're giving me a headache)…"

"B-BUT!"

"WHAT?"

"A...ano…" Kazahaya looked embarrassed "Could you… help me?"

Rikuou glared. Then eventually spoke.

"What's in it for me?"

"I'll… split my pay… 50/50…"

"Hm…" The darker haired boy looked pensive.

"(Please, please, please?)"

Rikuou sighed. "Fine. Lets go."

-

"Just who are you anyway?" Rikuou asked as they continued through the enchanted woods. p

"Kudou Kazahaya"

"Why're you wearing that riding hood?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing. Just makes you look like a girl is all…"

"NANI?"

"You-look-like-a-girl-with-that-riding-hood. UNDERSTAND?"

"TEME!"

"I'm Himura Rikuou."

"HIMURA? WHAT SORT OF-"

"Hey, can you smell that?"

"WHAT?"

"Something… sweet… like…" Rikuou's eyes lit up, "like chocolate…"

"YUCH, I really don't like chocolate that much…"

"Over this way…"

"OI! RIKUOU!" Kazahaya called as his companion wondered over in the direction of a… gingerbread house "What the…? OI RIKUOU! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? COME ON!"

He ran over to attempt to pull Rikuou away, when all of a sudden, the front door opened to reveal a nice little old lady in a kimono.

"Ohayo gozaimasu…" she beamed. "Oh, Kazahaya-san, how are you feeling?"

"G...GRANDMOTHER? What are you doing living in a gingerbread cottage?"

"Oh, I'm just looking after it whilst my friend's away…"

"H...ha?" Kazahaya looked up at Rikuou who had snapped out of his chocolate hypnosis and was currently looking bemused. "What was that all about?"

"I like chocolate, OKAY?"

"Did you come to visit me, Kazahaya-san?"

"A...anoo… Kakei-san said you weren't feeling well…so…eto…" he held up the basket.

"Oh, how kind! You really should thank him for me…" She turned to beam at Rikuou. "How did it go with those three little pigs?"

"Not… so good…"

"Anyway", the lighter haired boy quickly continued before anyone got distracted from the task at hand, "Do you know which way back it is to my house?"

"Just down that path there… Are you sure you wouldn't like to come in for some chocolate? Candy? Ice-cream?"

"Actually-"

"No, no thank you! We really should get going…"

"Are you sure you wouldn't like some chocolate? I have milk chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, Belgian chocolate…"

Rikuou's eyes lit up. It was kinda scary.

" R…Rikuou?" Kazahaya looked worried at the accumulation of sparkles "I really think we should get going…"

Too late. The darker haired boy was currently being let into the cottage by the little old lady (who seemed to be looking a little greener than usual).

As soon as the door closed, it clicked.

"HEY! THAT'S NOT MY GRANDMOTHER!"

-

Kazahaya had been fretting for sometime. He couldn't help but feel that if Rikuou WAS going to be eaten… then it was all his fault. So (to avoid any bad karma), he had decided to save him.

Currently he was trying to look in through the sugar glass windows. What he could make out was Rikuou happily munching away at bar after bar after bar of chocolate. It made him feel quite ill.

"How can he like sweet things so much?" He blinked, confused, before creeping over to the back door. The garden was kinda… weird (to say the least)… pocky and lollypops were growing from the ground, and the trees looked like they were baring fruit of jelly babies. It was like some kind of extreme hallucination and made him feel even worse.

"Dammit… why do I have to save him…? He should be the one saving ME…!" He whispered to himself. Oh well… He'd better get started…

-

Rikuou, though happy at the prospect of lots of free chocolate, had started to suspect something was amiss. Maybe it was the fact the little old lady was an odd shade of green, kept cackling evilly and was reading a book named 'The Joy of cooking Rikuou', but… Oh yeah, then there was that annoying pretty boy… Kazahaya, that was it. He'd better get back to helping him…

"Thanks for the chocolate. But I'd really better get going…" He picked up a few extra bars before getting to his feet, walking towards the door.

But somehow the little old…GREEN lady got in the way, standing right in front of the door. She grinned evilly.

"You can't leave before dinner…"

"Really?" Rikuou crossed his arms sceptically.

"Yes! To stop from escaping I shall turn you into a toa-"

-CRUNCH-

"RIKUOU!" Kazahaya knocked down the door, unfortunately crushing the wicked witch beneath it, as well as landing face first on the floor. "ITAI!"

Rikuou blinked. Well, that had been unexpected. Who'd have thought that the little pretty boy would save the day? Really, he felt a tad embarrassed at it all, but the fact he'd ended up landing on his face (and quite possibly dislocating a shoulder) in the process made everything all right.

"Are you ok?" He nudged Kazahaya with his foot, keeping his arms crossed.

"Iteee…." Came the lighter haired boy's muffled response.

Rikuou sighed, carefully helping him up. "Come on…I'll help you home…"

-

"Thank you for the help." Kakei beamed as Rikuou dropped the still complaining Kazahaya onto the floor. "Did you say it was 50?"

"U…un…" Kazahaya managed.

"Ok then. Hey, how would you like a job? It would be interesting to have a wolf on the team."

"Whatever."

"NANI?"

-

Rikuou wolf had been working with them for about three days or so when the next odd job came up.

Unfortunately (by that time) Kazahaya had decided that Rikuou was the greatest jerk this side of the magical kingdom.

"TEME! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

"Ah, shut up."

"I've got another extra job for you to do…!" Kakei beamed at the two boys.

"Ah, hai!" Kazahaya rushed over enthusiastically, shortly followed by a less enthusiastic Rikuou.

"Ok, I need you two to got to the eastern part of the forest in order to get some magic mushrooms."

"He…HEH? You, you can't mean…?"

"They're blue and glittery, and they tend to grow in high places..."

"Oh… ok then…"

"Good luck…!"

As they left the shop / house, Rikuou turned to glare with a smirk. "What was that all about?"

"Na…NANI? You can't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing?"

"Hrmf."

"Grrr…" Kazahaya clenched a fist. This was NOT going to be fun.

-

"I'll look over here."

"Ha…hai…"

The lighter haired boy wondered off through the trees in search of the magic -ahem- mushrooms.

"Maaa… why do I have to work with this jerk?" He sighed before mocking the deeper voice of his comrade, "…'I'll look over here', 'shut up you baby', 'I like chocolate'…. JERK!"

"I heard that." Came Rikuou's voice a distance away. Kazahaya went red.

"And how can he hear so good…?"

"My wolf ears."

"CHII!"

Kazahaya growled before looking around desperately and legging it further into the woods. He wasn't going to stay anywhere NEAR a guy who could hear his ever persistent rambling.

Then he realised he'd gotten lost.

"R…Rikuou…?"

Silence.

"O…OI! RIKUOU?"

Silence.

"TEME! STOP PLAYING TRICKS ON ME!"

"Hello young man" came a little, old voice from behind him.

"H…heh?"

He turned to find a familiar looking little old lady in a kimono, wielding a basket of some kind.

"Ano…Hello?"

"You look like you're working hard…! How would you like some sweeties?"

"Ah, iie… Thanks but I don't really like sweet things…"

"Oh, I think I have some senbe in here somewhere…" The little old lady rooted through her basket before pulling out a packet of rice crackers and giving Kazahaya a bright smile "Dozo…"

-

Rikuou continued to search the trees for the magic -umm- mushrooms. Suddenly he realised (after about 30 seconds of silence) that Kazahaya wasn't anywhere near him anymore.

"OI!" He called. No response. Clearly he really WASN'T anywhere near him or some sort of aggressive response would have been given…

_Dammit, where the hell is he?_

"OI! BAKA? WHERE'VE YOU GONE?"

-

"Nnghh…"

The lighter haired boy slowly opened his eyes, a little disorientated. Was he just unconscious? It was hard to tell… Slowly, getting his bearings, he sat up to look about himself…

…Only to find that he was in a stone room, red and pink drapes hung around the walls and a four-poster bed of a similar theme located in a corner. He blinked, eyes wide.

"Where… am I? Huh? HUH?"

It was at that point he looked in the tall mirror on one side of the wall, to find himself in a green medieval dress with gold trimmings, and (this was the worst part) his hair was long, flowing and very… shojo…

He went pale.

"N…n…NO WAY!"

-

"That idiot, where the hell has he gone?" Rikuou sighed as he trudged through the forest to find the little pretty boy. What was he thinking, running off like that when they had specifically been given a job to do?

-

Kazahaya growled, pacing around the room with his skirts hauled up to avoid tripping. There was no door. He had already looked out the window to find a 30-foot drop down into lots and lots of thorny vines. He didn't want to take his chances but now his mind was starting to wonder.

What sort of etchi minded freak would do this to him? Lock him up in a tower, put him in a dress and give him hair extensions, then leaving him here in a room designed to look like some kind of cheap love nest!

He gasped. But… what were they going to do with him when they got back? No way, whatever it was it wouldn't be good!

"TASEKETE!" He cried out the window.

"Don't screech!"

"Heh?" Kazahaya blinked before looking down to find Rikuou glaring up at him from below. "Ri…RIKUOU? WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Trying to find you, you idiot!"

"TE…TEME!" The lighter haired boy clenched his fist.

"How'd you manage to get up there?"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I WOKE UP HERE!" He leant out further.

"What's happened to your hair?" Rikuou blinked. His companion suddenly looked very… shojo.

"WHAT?"

"I said what happened to your hair?"

"I WOKE UP TO FIND IT LIKE THIS! NOW HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!"

The darker haired boy sighed. He supposed he had better do something about it.

"Is there any rope?"

"ROPE? HOW WILL THAT HELP ME?"

"You could climb down!"

"THERE'S NO DAMN ROPE!"

"How long is your hair?"

"VERY!"

"Would you say it was 30 ft or so?"

"YES! Heh?" Kazahaya blinked, realising just where this was going, "NO WAY! NO! YOU'RE NOT CLIMBING UP MY HAIR! IT'LL HURT!"

"Don't be such a wimp!"

"WIMP?" The lighter haired boy clenched a fist before sighing, picking up his long, flowing brown hair and throwing it out the window, "There!"

Rikuou reached out to take it when, just as his hands tightened around it-

"ITAAAIIII!"

"I'M NOT EVEN OFF THE GROUND YET!"

"ITETETETE! LET GO!" Kazahaya wailed.

Rikuou blinked, sweat dropping. "You really are a wimp…"

"YOU JERK! HURRY UP AND THINK OF A REAL WAY TO GET ME OUT OR I'LL BE STUCK UP HERE FOREVER!"

"Urusei…" Rikuou sighed, looking around. Kazahaya had gone into one of his continuous whining modes, so he would have some time to find another solution.

"IDON'TWANTTOBESOMEPERVERT'SSEXSLAVEYOU!" p

"OI! Jump!"

"WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"Look, I promise I'll catch you!"

"NO WAY!"

"JUMP!"

"NO! YOU'RE MAD! THERE'S NOWAY I'M GONNA JUMP FROM THIS HEIGHT!"

"Fine! You can stay up there then! Have fun with your MASTER!"

"M...m…ma… GIYAAA! YOU'D BETTER CATCH ME OR ELSE!" Kazahaya went pale, climbing onto the window ledge. "READY?"

"YEAH! Wow, he's really going to jump…?"

"YOU'D BETTER NOT LOOK UP MY DRESS!"

"What makes you even think I'd want to?"

"YOU-WAAA!" Kazahaya slipped, tumbling down through the air when, in typical fairytale fashion, Rikuou caught him in his ever ready arms, 'WAAAA! WAAAAAA!"

"You can stop wailing you idiot, I caught you."

"WAA-Heh? N...nani?" Slowly, a little uncertain, Kazahaya's tightly shut eyes opened to find Rikuou smirking down at him. "You…You actually caught me?"

"What does it look like?

"Ri…Rikuou…" The lighter haired boy looked shocked. "You…"

"…"

Maybe it was the fact he'd just fallen 30ft, or that he was dressed for the part (or the fact that these were magical, fairytale woods therefore leading to these sort of things), but at that moment Kazahaya couldn't help but lean up to kiss Rikuou (who was clearly a little shocked). Strangely enough, the background had just started to glow a warm shade of pink, and dream bubbles and little sparkles had accumulated around the scene.

They disappeared as soon as Kazahaya leaned away.

His eyes widened as soon as he realised what he'd done.

"NA…NA…NANIII? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?" He screeched, going red.

"You kissed me." Rikuou replied in monotone, then gave one of those smiles, leaning down face to face with the overly embarrassed Kazahaya, "You really have the most entertaining ways of embarrassing yourself, ne?"

"Ga…Ga…GIYAAA!"

-

"Okaeri" Kakei beamed as Kazahaya stomped (still with his lovely long hair and pretty green dress) straight past him, heading for his room.

"Here." Rikuou handed his boss 3 sparkly blue mushrooms.

"Ah, arigatou… Ne, what happened to Kudou-kun?"

"I don't think he wants to talk about it."

Kazahaya, in his room meanwhile, had pulled out a pair of scissors and was currently cutting desperately at his hair (still red in the face).

"Dammit…dammit…DAMMIT…"

It was bad enough that he had kissed him, but the fact it felt good? That was even worse! And now he was probably going to rip him about it for the rest of the year!

"KUSO!" He cried.

-

"You want me to do what?"

"Guess my real name" Smirked the guy in dark sunglasses. He'd been hanging round the shop for several days now, so this sort of question confused Kazahaya a little.

"You're Saiga-san…."

"CORRECT!" Saiga slapped him on the back, "You're smart BOY…!"

"ITE! Y-you've already introduced yourself!"

"Really?"

"YES!"

"Oh, well, that's spoiled it all now…"

"Huuuh?" Kazahaya blinked. He was really confusing.

"Kudou-kun…! Would you like some extra pay?"

'As long as its not in magic beans this time…"

That had NOT been funny. So now, before he actually accepted these extra jobs, he always checked that it was for MONEY.

"In my office there's a pile of hay and a magic spinning wheel. Could you possibly turn the hay into gold for me?"

"He…HEH?"

"Don't look like that!" Kakei giggled, "It's a magic spinning wheel."

"A...ah? Well… ok… if you say so…"

So far, today had gone all right. Rikuou was away… probably annoying those three little pigs again, and in Kazahaya's books, any day where Rikuou wasn't within 10 ft of him was GOOD.

-

"A...anoo…"

How do you use a spinning wheel exactly? He really wished he had asked now…

Something to do with a bobbin, and a… does the hay go in there? No, that wasn't right…

He sighed. The idea of spinning hay into gold had seemed bad enough, but just SPINNING? This was going to be even harder than he'd first thought…

-

It was just gone mid-day by the time he had figured it out, and was currently spinning (a little shakily) line after line of pure gold.

"Yosh…" he smiled, staying focused.

The sooner he got this done, the sooner he could get his extra pay…

"Huh?"

Was… the needle supposed to look that appealing?

"I wonder how sharp it is…?"

Slowly, Kazahaya found his fingertips reaching out for the glinting point before him…

Then he gasped, pulling his hand away to find a small prick with a little trickle of blood.

"O...ow…" That had stung. Stupid needle… "H…heh?" The lighter haired boy's eyes started to sag, becoming hazy. Everything around him suddenly seemed to blur, out of focus, when he collapsed onto the floor in a deep, deep sleep.

-

"Tadaimasu…" Rikuou muttered as he entered his room to find both Kakei and Saiga standing over Kazahaya's bed.

"Okaeri." Kakei beamed before returning to mopping the unconscious Kazahaya's forehead.

"Huh? What happened?"

"He touched the needle on the spinning wheel. Now he's fallen asleep, and will stay asleep for a hundred years."

"Nani?" Rikuou blinked. Well, that was unexpected. He just went away for a few hours and already the little pretty boy had gotten into trouble… and by pricking himself on a needle of all things…? He really was an idiot… "Isn't there anyway we can wake him up?"

"There sure is" Saiga smirked.

"Well?"

"He has to be kissed by his prince charming."

The darker haired boy raised an eyebrow. "Prince charming? That's gonna be a little hard... I would have thought that they'd be busy sorting out royal business and stuff…"

"It doesn't have to actually be a prince…!" Kakei laughed, "I mean, it just refers to his one true love…!"

Rikuou glared. "I don't think he has a 'true love'…"

"He sure likes you though." Saiga smirked.

"WHAT? Are you mad? He hates me…"

"hmmm…Maybe we should think of something else then…" Kakei looked pensive, "Unless… Oh wait, do you love him?"

"NO."

"Oh well… That's that idea out the window…"

"Wait…" Rikuou crossed his arms, "Suppose I did… What use would that be?"

"Well, a prince charming can also refer to someone who loves him enough to want to save him…"

"You want me to KISS him?" The darker haired boy glared at the still sleeping Kazahaya… As much as the prospect of peace and quiet appealed to him, he was still feeling a little bad about just leaving him like that… And Kazahaya had kissed him before… but did he really want payback? He sighed. "I'll think about it."

Kakei gave a bright smile, "Ok then…! We'll leave you two alone…"

"Oi, I never said I was going to do it…!"

"Try not to use tongues..!" Saiga laughed.

"WHAT?"

Too late, they had already closed the door behind them.

Rikuou sighed angrily, sitting on the bed beside the lighter haired boy before glaring down at him.

He looked so blissful, almost like a cat when he slept. He had to admit he looked very pretty…no…beautiful like this. Such a change from the aggressive (though absolutely hilarious) annoyed face he was so use to…

Gently, he stroked his hair.

Ok, ok… Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard…

Ever so slowly, he leaned down, carefully pressing his lips against Kazahaya's, who continued to sleep on peacefully.

After a few seconds, he leaned back a little, opening his eyes to watch the still unconscious boy with a gaze of pure affection…

Then Kazahaya woke up.

His eyes widened.

"Gi…gi…gi…GIYAAAA!"

-

"…So how are you feeling Kudou-kun?" Kakei smiled, after giving Kazahaya a much-needed explanation.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME WHILST I WAS ASLEEP?"

"I don't think you want to know." Rikuou smirked.

"You! YAROU! YAROU, YAROU, YAROU!"

"You know what happens next right?" Saiga patted Kazahaya on the head.

"Wh…What?"

"You and Rikuou have to get married and live happily ever after."

"HEEEH?" Kazahaya looked down to find himself in a wedding dress, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He went pale. "GIYAAAA! NO WAY! THIS IS JUST LIKE SOME KIND OF BAD DREAM!"

-

Kazahaya's eyes flicked open, sitting bolt upright.

"WAAAA!"

"What are you yelling about?"

"H…eh?" The lighter haired boy blinked, looking about himself to find he was back in the Drug shop (Which he quickly recognised as the REAL world). "Wh…what happened?"

Rikuou glared over from the curtain divide.

"You sounded like you were having a nightmare or something… You kept screaming over and over… But…" Rikuou gave a near seductive smirk, "At one point you said my name like we were lovers or something…"

"WH ... WHAT?"

"I told you, you shouldn't have eaten all that sushi before bed."

* * *

**OWARI .**


End file.
